it's so easy to say goodbye to yesterday

*higher pitch* yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

yerrrrrrr what’s good?

the ramadan be ramadaning so my fasting brain is focusing on treading water more than making content but inshallah imma bust out the other side of ramadan with the the power of flight so be ready. but this week, i’m trying to process grief by taking a stroll through-

the friendship graveyard ☠️

this was inspired by my sister ashley hefnawy’s newsletter title ‘tiny imaginary deaths’ (if you haven’t scrolled on that, it’s worth it).

lately, i’ve been grieving, dissociating slightly, not knowing where i’m fully going. i feel like we all have in one way or another. time, memories, experiences, travelling, etc. i’ve been doing some excavating of the person i feel like i want to be, childish, warm, full of life and joy, connected and disconnected, plugged in and thugged out, visible but private.

i feel like a lot of us changed during the pandemic, in one way or another and in times of mass self reflection (or projection), it’s natural to shed what isn’t serving us. i went on multiple healing journeys, side quests and downloadable characters included (life really the worst open-world game without new dlc and maps). on them, i discovered that a lot of my personal platonic relationships with people have died of natural causes. so this is a series of eulogies to friendships past, no one specific in mind. ok that’s cap, but truly, honestly, truthfully, frankly, I hope our situationship rests in peace.

---

to the people-pleasing version of me:

you weren’t here too long but still were here long enough to fuck up a lot of things. still, i miss your innocence and genuine will to be there for anyone at the drop of a hat even at your detriment. i knew learning my worth and search for reciprocity would be the death of you and i held on too long. sorry i made you suffer at the end but ultimately i hope you reach your final resting place knowing that the last person you served with your passing was me. 🥀

to the ex-homies who took from me more than i had, and still asked for more:

i do not wish the worst for you. i wish the best…so long as you keep yo trifling ass tf from around me and mine.  🌸

to the optical allies and morally broken well-spoken tokens:

i hope you find peace one day from the constant bending and breaking to make yourself look good rather than do it, look cool rather than be it, and sound worldly when you never left your own purview. you dead to me now, so i hope that day happens in our relationship’s afterlife *places disposable camera on the ground* hope the next moment you make all about you is a kodak moment. not an ad. 🌹

to the people i was scared to be happy around:

who knew the key to happiness was never seeing you? namastay the fuck away, my team winning *sages the gravesite* 🍂

to the homies who weren’t still fans when shit hit the fan:

you never saw me, you only saw what i could do for  you and when it stopped, i became disposable. welp nigga now you decomposable to me lmaoooo *milly rocks, pop smoke dances on the grave*🌱

to the inbetweeners, not quite friends but not enemies:

i miss what we had. it wasn’t much and i never wanted anything more than that. peace, vibes, laughs, and light as you travel on to the next space. may we cross paths at the random function in the sky and hit a distant upnod for that’s all we ever needed. 🌺

to the “it was just a joke” brigade:

i hope the venom, malice, and ignorance that you mask with humor and stony commitment to inhumanity finds it’s antidote. but in the meantime, i hope you died endlessly falling down an up escalator. what? it was only a joke. 🎭

to the negative narration of my inner self critic:

you had me in the first four quarters, not gonna lie but it’s ot now and i plan on spending the rest of my life playing like my life depends on it. i still hear your voices sometimes, trying to tell me i’m unlovable, untalented, an imposter, a burden, and undeserving of peace but the mental mute button be muting heavy. may you bring hateration and holleration to the divine and eternal dancery. 📚

to the imposters masquerading as savants, the wolves in woke clothing, and the unhealed projectors, using all of us as a screen:

all the world’s a stage to some, but to you it was a chessboard, all of us merely pieces. machiavellian magicians whose tricks we saw right through but were powerless to change the hearts and minds of your flock. method acting warmth, light, peace, and community and the method was manipulation. when the proscenium falls for you, the sets crumble, and audiences boo you to shreds, i hope that that last remaining sliver of reality you cling to is enough to pull you towards healing and tranquility. *burns a mask* 📽

to the traumavores with voracious appetites:

the pac-men/ms. pac-men/pac-thems of pain. i dunno how you died, whether it was gluttonous overstuffing of the pain buffet that was my existence or of starvation when you realized that trauma don’t got no nutrients. either way, i’m just here to make sure you’re really dead. i didn’t see a body so you could very much be out there, looking for the next person to leech off of. if so, i hope one of your next bites bites back *sprinkes adobo on the grave* for flavor 💐

to the all the volunteer police; queer unit, blackness police, masc police, grief unit, white feminist squadron, etc:

how you spent so much time up your own ass and also in everyone’s business, i’ll never know. some hermione time turner shit, forreal forreal. i pray you abolish yourselves and the prison you’ve built for yourself and others. fuck you for needing to make others small and insignificant for you to feel strong, big, and prideful. on your social climb, make sure your harness is tied real tight and the people you stepped on along the way didn’t bring scissors during their ascent. *walk away, don’t look back, tombstone explodes, sunglasses on, and scene* 🕶

to the toxic twitterati:

the digital projections of our “best selves” created a social and psychological schism that caused and is causing irreparable damage to the fabric of organic human connection and gamified every magical confluence of experiences that made life worth living. that being said, i don’t wish ill on you. don’t get it twisted, i don’t wish anything good either. i wish nothing. logging out of whatever fractional human relationship we had is the best decision i’ve ever made.  *aol voice* goodbye 📀

to context, space for humanity over mob mentality, actual definitions of words, and nuance:

i miss you. i always will. i never appreciated you until it was too late and now i stand, world crumbling, future uncertain, and present dour longing for our time together. many miss you and your iconic impact will echo in the words and actions of billions around the world, crying out against the capitalist, settler-colonial, white supremacist fantasy world that we’re imprisoned in. until we meet again, on the lips of a stranger or otherwise, rest easy. *peace sign, real nigga tears* 😭

to the main characters who made me a side character in my own story (including me):

i always say i get to know people through their art, their focus, their message. i hope you finish your story and all the side characters you needlessly pushed to the side return in the final seasons. i pray they be kinder to you than you were when putting them into stiff archetypes and thankless roles with poor writing. i felt like i was in a cancelled spinoff of my own life when you were in it and now that you’re not, i have an ensemble cast, a wonderful crew, and everyday i wake up to new pages, new laughs, new tears, and new stories where all can enjoy, heal, grow, escape, and be radically honest. the rest is still unwritten *pulls out bluetooth speaker, natasha bedingfield intensifies* 💃🏽

---

what relationships died for you? leave em in the comments, I wanna read.

extra points if they are also eulogies 🪦

shows

• atlanta s3: whooooo boy donald doing the thing this season. super dope. ep 4…

• moon knight: oscar isaac. that’s it.

• bad vegan (netflix) - watch a white woman attempt to evade any culpability

• the dropout (hulu) - amanda seyfried put her foot in it

fun fact: in 2020, i tried to help a homie write a show about a black woman scamming savant who goes for one last score and an overlooked female fbi agent who tirelessly hunts her down. the twist? they are dating each other and don’t know about each other’s double lives and two parallel games of cat and mouse continue. had plans for 2.5 seasons at least and now, watching the mass celebration of the white woman scammer being celebrated, i’m tight that the homie didn’t lean into it, could’ve been her viola moment. oh well, black scammers matter.

books

• all about love: new visions: reread this for the millionth time.

• we real cool: black men and masculinity: reread this one, it reread me. in the bell hooks canon that doesn’t get shouted out enough.

• conversations with people who hate me - dylan marron: went to the strand to see his talk back and i’m so proud of the homie. he doesn’t know how him and his nuance, patience, and approach to conflict has influenced me and i’m just so goddamn proud of him

zines

• gotta give props to amaka-zine. ivie ani and najma sharif were people i followed on social mad long ago just to add some africans to my miserable timeline and grew to voice i trust and will endlessly support. I missed the launch due to leaving social media but they really been cooking out here. a pan african publisher celebrating womanhood, lemme hit you with some samples.

• abolition as a method for trans and queer freedom in africa

• black women are turning to radical rest as a feminist practice

• anti-slavery conference held in mauritania this week

newsletters

• my boy quincy got his newsletter off the ground and y’all should tap tf in 👀

  • the ledbetter newsletter 🤝

podcast soon returning

up next ify nwadiwe and bianca bafitis!!! ✨✨✨

---

and a now a sneak peek at the afronihilist pack vol 1 project that jah, grace, maria, and i have been working on, enjoy 🙏🏾