silly season software update 8.1.22 💿
yo what’s good (with the intention of finding out what’s good)
“hey man, you good? you ain’t touched your toxic masculinity”
the next ios update better have a way to airdrop serotonin to the homies
here come the android niggas like “we been had that,” we would’ve known if y’all texts had come through 😭
could never be an npc because all i do is get played
only time I’m a snitch is to my therapist. i be like “oooooh nigga, wait til i tell valerie it’s quiet for you”
too many nigganovellas
we need antisocial media, just niggas minding their business
felonciaga: fashion…for felons
“why you bringing up old shit” - modern colonizer proverb
“i’m coming to you as a nigga-”
“it’s the frog in me” - me talking about kermit
*hov voice* run up on me for some likes, you might lose your life
when i say “that’s on the gang,” know i’m talking fred, velma, daphne, shaggy, and scoob
“i’m all about communication that’s why i blocked everybody”
*yogurt commercial voice* dystopiaaaaaa
they need virgin nutcrackers, like send me to chaos and heaven, halal nutcrackers, a concept
scaring the hoes culture is having a podcast about revolution and radical shit with no femmes or queer people on it *keem voice* no hoes, ain’t shit getting done in this bitch
*kendrick voice* gotta watch ya homies and police, brother
damn 2 years off social…it hardly seems real!! it really felt like digital ramadan
people keep hitting me up like “welcome back!” and i’m like “are you for real? this is like successfully kicking a crack addiction and then coming back for a crack microdose.” lacroix for crack…lacraque? there’s something there. white people who want a late-night job, steal this premise and finish it for me in your packets. guaranteed banger.
people kept seeing me and being like “where have you been?” …liiiiiike inside, nigga????? i wasn’t tryna get the ronis, are you buggin??? like four people have seen me recently and been like “how was la?” my good bitch, i stayed on the block! i simply logged off and continued to exist and people think i became mr. worldwide lmao i very much am mr. 4 block radius lol. I got knee surgery; i couldn’t leave if i wanted. pro tip: taking two years off social media is an excellent way to see who really fuck with you and who be suspiciously texting you out the blue asking to dj their birthday.
this loosies will be structured as a q&a because i’ve been asked so many questions about where i’ve been, who i’ve been, why i’ve been, you get it. some of y’all been rocking with me and loosies for a sec (mad love for the ogs) and some of you might be here for the first time (welcome and also i’m sorry).
what have you been up to?
lil bit of this, lil bit of that. wild because the moment i got off social media, the blessing came in for real for real. i developed a dc tv show (which never went but i had a blast), got staffed in a mini room, got staffed in on a comedy and a drama (both cancelled 😭), pitched a personal show (didn’t go, but it too was a blast), made a short film in 24 hours (it was meh, but fun exercise), duolingo gang, wrote and shot some content with athletech productions, got into two sundance labs (for a pilot and a feature) and a film independent fellowship, played some soccer, got knee surgery, worked on myself, i read, watched tv, been rehabbing my knee to go on bike rides and play soccer, almost got stabbed, survived. not even flexing, it’s dead what happened.
what have you been reading/watching/listening to?
ms. marvel. barry. moon knight. obi-wan. exterminate all the brutes. afrobeats documentary. truman show. eternal sunshine. bell hooks. adrienne marie brown. james baldwin. ashley hefnawy. octavia butler. brazilian funk. iniko. japanese breakfast. the weeknd. bill withers. burna boy. oumou sangaré. emile sandé. afrobeats. ami koita. stromae. aya nakamura. tems. tyler. keem. kendrick. flo milli. paul mond. renaissance. just scroll back to other loosies issues for more context/content.
why did you ghost on social media?
better question: why didn’t i do it years ago?
i had horrible social media hygiene. i let the thousands of goofy niggas who follow me tapdance on my amygdala for too long. as a “we outsiiiide” dude who preferred being inside, it was where i did a lot of my connection. mad people would just dm me paragraphs of their trauma with a “thanks for reading” tag and i’m just in le pain quotidien like 👀👀👀, panini going stale and shit
i walk in too many worlds. between djing, neuroscience, mental health advocacy, trying to lead an abolitionist life, comedy, writing, and regular niggas who are funnier than the comedians i know off the strength, i felt pulled in too many directions. i’m very much myself but i felt like i needed 6 of me to keep up with everything. that, plus the imposter syndrome of feeling like I wasn’t doing enough in any of those lanes took turns whooping my ass
i needed organic, free range, raw community not curated, generic, community based on shared interest. i learned that what i was seeking was authenticity and i wasn’t going to find it the way things were going the homies i roll with are regular degular people not tryna be hollywood baby, tokenized indie darlings, or be the revolution™️. no shade, i just know what i want and need in my life and big ups to the day ones appreciate you letting me be 3d. 🤝 big ups islam gang, haza people, sjv 🙏🏾
i stood on a bridge in 2020 about to get my ass beat by nypd during the protests and just knew in my heart 90% of the “allies” around me had no idea how to comport themselves. i felt unsafe and annoyed that we were in a timeloop of justified anger, not enough action and investment into alternatives and community building, then apathy, and nothing. then you hop on twitter and see niggas pretending comedians are the last bastion of hope for free speech. niggas, we are clowns. we do heehees and hahas, sometimes honk honks. grow up.
people bit my flow. i started seeing jokes i wrote and premises i was pitching in other people’s sets, shows, and timelines and i needed to sit back and make sure what i was doing was so unequivocally me that it couldn’t be stolen. then I had to free myself of ownership of ideas, reprogram the scarcity.exe into abundance.exe and defrag my mental hard drive (the last 1% takes forever).
i needed to become the main character in my own story. i felt like i was the magical negro of the internet and a recurring guest star to myself and others and not a real person. i genuinely care about what people deal with and go through but man, i was neglecting the pain that i’ve just been convincing myself was normal.
what hobbies did you pick up?
fell back in love with djing. shout out myyuh, boston chery, topshelf tyson, and dj carmen sandiego for being djs i love and who are incredible human beings as well. fun fact: i almost got stabbed by an old puerto rican og at peaches and cream in july and i’m still gonna be out there spinning. man tried to rob me and failed. i’m 5-0 on being robbed; 1 more and i’m gonna get the mj hoop earring and gambling addiction. 🎶
being a better ally to the white community. y’all need help for real for real. my allyship includes staying away, staying far away, and getting further by the second. ain’t got the ligaments for the mental gymnastics anymore, désolé
robbery. i mean why not? mad niggas have failed to jux me (literally in july, an attempt was made), maybe i take a masterclass? 🥷🏽
being whimsical. i feel like after living through several once-in-a-lifetime events and some early onset adulthood due to some trauma, i had to grow up mad quick and missed out on some valuable hooligan years. glad to surround myself with people who make me feel like a kid again. y’all know who you are.
soccer. i love soccer, played since I was tiny; when i touch the ball *pacha voice* the hills sing. being off my feet was a six pack of booty buttcheeks and i’m glad i can touch a ball again ⚽️
how’s the mental?
fantabulous. simply splendiferous. actually, why am i lying? it’s meh. but it’s easier to be meh with people who we all enforce/reinforce boundaries, communicate, and are intentional with the time they spend. the independent healing don’t even come close to the interdependent healing 🌱
my mentee camryn did my star chart and it turns out…i’m him™️. i’m that bitch and i finally hit “fuck it.” i’m sick of me and the homies playing with you clone ass niggas. we are all the shit and i’m excited to make shit with them. i’m an excellent dj and my people are excellent djs. i’m a great writer and my friends are talented ass creatives. i have a community who will keep it a rack with each other and i feel safety in nyc with any one of my crews i’m blessed to be able to spend time with and build a better, healthier, world with. ✨
some people still need to be told about themselves.
biggest W of the panasonic?
built a healthy community. that’s it. i have dope friends and creative collaborators that make me feel like we reciprocally pour into each other and not compete with each other. sjv gang for life.
i got better at talking to my parents about my mental health and trauma. i got a xanax prescription to break in case of emergency. i’m reconnecting with my family abroad. opening up to my sister and repairing our relationship.
biggest L of the panasaurus rex?
man who i used to look up to bit my idea (after a conversation with me and an article i wrote about it) and won a prestigious award off of it. it is really fuck that nigga hours 24/6 (i rest on the sabbath) but lord knows i’m on that ass boy. he lucky i want peace and not violence. i’m watching you, you big for nothing hyuck hyuck yee yee ashy soul ass nigga. big ups emily, you’re a real one for calling him out. imma talk to allah today and make sure you see heaven. #️⃣
what are your biggest flaws you’re working on?
my boundaries were weaker than american democracy; like walls built out of cheese deadass. i’m getting better at setting them and not being uncomfy with the conflict that that comes with.
communication. i’m an overexplainer and hypervigilant due to past trauma but i’ve been working on just saying what i need to say (no john mayer) and not feeling like i need to keep talking.
being perceived. truth be told, don’t look at me. if you saw me, you didn’t. but i need to be better at being out there but on my own terms. you know how many events i talked myself out of going to?? no more. i’m chasing that night that i was dancing with jerah and his friends at max fish, catching a wine while eating chicken nuggets.
money. i hate it. it controls everything and is the root of fear i have. i refuse to crowdfund my projects because i was so triggered by hashtag and i can’t bring myself to throw away the receipts to that shoot from 5 years ago. i hate making new shit without being able to pay people so i don’t create; money and resources have blocked me more than anything in my life. but i need to learn to ride that wave in a way that aligns with my politics. still loading.
allowing people to help me. i always take on too much and then am sad when i can’t ride the full wave. thanks to ashley, karen, miriam, maria, jah, q, michelle, and all the people who have been gentle with me learning that lesson and keeping me accountable with it. this is pervasive personally, professionally, and socially. tapping into my culture and islam have been helping a lot.
which movie is better: shrek or shrek 2?
fam. shrek 2 by a mile. shout out jess matat who is with me on this. donkey-dragon romance. i need a hero. shrek going from scaring the hoes to sparing the hoes. gingerbread giant. antonio banderas. i mean, come on.
what you writing?
everything. my therapist has been giving me prompts because writing is my release and i love processing that way. i have so many sketches it makes me sick. i have several pilots, even more treatments, and a feature now and i’m still having a blast writing. yedoye and i talked about it a bit back; he wants to be onstage, i wanna be behind the scenes. that paradigm really defined the direction i took in my life and no regrets. no gas, but i love writing and i’m fucking good at it. can’t fake humble on that.
i write loosies a lot. jokes on the fly. dialogue. monologues. unhinged tweets. sweet notes to my friends and family.
execs keep asking me “where i see myself in 5 years?” quick answer: anywhere i want to be. longer answer: i don’t see myself. i see me and the rest of the fucking talented weirdos i bang with making our shit with without having to navigate money, white supremacist bullshit, and making fun shit that makes our inner child laugh, cry, be seen, or understood. ego must die so the flowers can rise.
biggest lessons of the pandemic?
focusing pon yaself isn’t selfish. there is a difference between focusing on yourself, individualism, selfishness, and narcissism and i think the internet and white girlboss industrial complex have flattened it into the same shit and it’s not. we all fighting different battles at different times and sometimes you gotta handle your own business. i tried to fight every battle, living a public positive mr. rogers ass life and a private life in emotional shambles because i wanted to be selfless; speak up, be in the streets and the tweets, etc but i almost lost myself in process. i’m still getting back up.
i have a need to be a big brother and protector to so many people in my life because i feel like i failed protecting my own sister from assault (and, subsequently, myself). but in the process, i lost myself; i mixed up self-sacrifice and compromise and where i thought i was compromising, meeting in the middle, niggas was two-stepping all over my body and boundaries. i accept my part in that but i can’t accept that those people get to keep doing it to people i care about. more about that later.
i’m an excellent mediator for other people but i needed to mediate between me and the trauma i’ve letting cook in the background. i’m feeling wayyyy better and can’t wait to step into my life again
i need to trust, and more importantly, forgive myself. again, i lost myself to others’ perception and i’m learning to just be again.
i need to stop isolating and taking myself out of the equation. that was a coping mechanism that’s not serving me anymore.
boundaries. boundaries. boundaries. i learned that part of the reason that i’m scared to uphold boundaries is because i’ve been either gaslit or mentally abused when i have in the past. i’m being sexually assaulted and say no? yelled at, told i’m making it up. telling someone i need space to handle my business? nope, impossible, continue to hold up everything you hold up. the only affirmation i repeat these days is “it is (and was) ok to set that boundary.”
niggas, niggettes, niggeys, niggems, and gender non-conforming niggxs, i am queer. not up for debate or discussion at this point in time or any. been questioning since late 2015 (big ups ray cordova and grace davidson for helping me come to terms with that) and told my immigrant family just so you know how serious it is lmao
learning that it’s ok to be upset or angry. i’m in this nigga body that amplifies the simplest perturbance into a horror flick for goofy white people who misquote mlk and do diet kkk shit. i’m done bottling it up. you will catch this verbal fade now, the hands still work, i want all the smoke. white people can wield anger in a way i’ll never be able to but i’m getting better at navigating.
man, just listen to mr. morale and the big steppers. that’s the wave i’ve been on. trying to grow, be healthier so i don’t pass this trauma on, and ducking the folks that ⚠️BeFake⚠️, online and off.
we cry together is better than marriage story. quote me
what’s next?
i don’t know. and that excites me.
i’m learning how to rest; since college, i never really took a break or vacation.
i did stand up in june and did perfectly fine for someone who hadn’t performed since 2020. ended my set saying “i just came up here to see if i still got it and i do.” mars put it best: i’m trying to fly and i got to get rid of baggage. i think stand-up was that baggage.
i’m learning how to not just be what the world wants from/thinks of me and simply be. i’m a silly dude and i’m trying to bring that light out in me that i share with the homies and with audiences.
niggas who are trying to compete: *taps mic* the dickeating is crazy. please, fall back. cease. desist. read a book. go outside. touch some grass. there’s no need for all that. choose abundance. scarcity is played out. sad bitch contest, you in 3rd place.
niggas who bite flows: my brother in clout, i’m an endless stream of ideas with the coolest friends out who make fire shit. i pretend i don’t see you, but i do. streets is saying you’re phony and inconsistent, the hoes is petrified.
please don’t be out here chatting to me about “check on your strong friends” or “i didn’t know” when people die suddenly or by suicide. just don’t; shit kills me every time. there are a myriad of societal issues that contribute to mental health; be real, honest, open, and make space for yourself (and others) to be vulnerable, redeemable, and not shamed for trying to unlearn our social programming. the binary, punitive, shame and fear-filled normalized social impulses that fill our social media feeds need to be addressed…and you over here grief policing, my pal??? get a life.
life can only be understood backwards but it must be lived forwards. - soren kierkegaard
hey maybe don’t just use your friends as backboards for your bits, mirrors for your projections, talking points for your podcasts, etc without talking to them first.
the privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are. - carl gustav jung
what many white people don’t get is that it’s a privilege to only have to consider your intention when interacting with anyone. to constantly be running your intentions, their interpretations, emotional cost-benefit analyses, and sacrifices that keep you awake at night is exhausting.
do not trust anyone who says they are fully healed. healing isn’t a destination, it’s a journey and the more you pretend you’re ok and fine, the more you will be devastated when you’re triggered. keep going, it’s ok to be incomplete; it’s only over when it’s over.
beware projectors and reflectors; next time someone tries to tell you about yourself, take space and think about why they might feel that way.
all the systems we critique and work to dismantle live within us as well. make sure you’re tending to your personal garden even while taking care of each other.
shout out no losses for this one: it’s nice to be poppin but it’s poppin to be nice.
so many people that I love and am so proud to have in my life. every day i thank god and pray y’all see a lil bit of heaven. including but not limited to:
ashley, jah + grace, khitam, karen, val, naj + annika at somewhere good (so proud of your work, i will pull up at the spot, i swear), lgbtiqiayyyyy gang, joey, lili, quincy + yuki, mars, jordana, yedoye, rama, ray, camryn, yossera, sydney, pauly, jordan, amelia, lucas + nour, mikey + ana + elia, shakira, desus & mero (y’all got me through the worst time in my life, i dead owe my life to y’all niggas, ong), lauren, aundre + lydia, mel, mia, rebecca, chandler, leah, twan, petey, vitti, meg, natasha, poppy, bianca, nic, miriam, shivani, ify, dani, bb writers crib, the emilys (both of y’all), SJV til I d-i-e, my team @ caa and haven (jennie, laurens, and will)
some of y’all are out of sight but i swear down, never out of mind. got some software updates for y’all when you ready. boundaries, remember?
mom, dad, aiche, maria: i wish i had more hearts so i could love you with all of those ones too. je t’aime beaucoup, te amo mucho, e ka yafama ❤️
i’m finally seeing the light again, in the world and in my own eyes. see y’all in the streets. silly season is upon us ✨
