comical ace theory
going for page time over stage time
“real Gs move in silence-” okay, prove it, shut the fuck up
whoever has my voodoo doll gotta be on a roller coaster because these ups and downs…
“i guess we’ll never know,” says person with the internet (ON THE INTERNET)
the scapegoating on muslims and young people this november about to be generationally high
haters really eating lately; there’s so much to hate! i don’t have enough time in the day for it, been pulling double shifts
babe, wake up, new horrors both within and beyond our comprehension just dropped
“how do you know them?” oh they’re my doommate, we spiral together online
bro, last night was a lana del rey acoustic session
learning passive-aggressiveness on duolingo so i can communicate better with specific white people on emails —1000 day streak if you even care
“let’s just say that if you were in the WNBA they’d call it the LNBA”
jokes about asexuality i’ll never do but deserve to see the light of day
stand-up does not move me at all anymore (sorry sima!!!) but that doesn’t mean i don’t write jokes about it. here’s a sample platter of jokes about aceness that i’ll never do onstage and don’t care about burning.
shorty once told me “you’re not asexual, you’re just scared of intimacy and raw carnal passion”
and she’s…right? i’m petrified, terrified, spooked even. like anyone in here could rob me with some ass and crop top. and intimacy — just say “i’m here for you, i wanna listen…i just love you so much and-” AHHHHHHHHH! run away in place a little like shaggy the zoom off.
easy lick? run up on me at the corner like “cough up the goods,” i turn around and you got hardcore porn on your phone? “ayyyy nooo0ooo” i’m folding like white people when they get called racist; immediately.
no! of course i want intimacy and passion and all that…girls are just icky! (note: let the record show that girls are not icky and i’m a clown doing clownery for my clownstack)
heterosexuality is like michael jordan dropping sneakers: y’all be doing the same shit in different colorways. you think you’re one of one but they got you in stock at foot locker.
gays are toms, lesbians are birkenstocks, bi’s are doc martens, and ace’s, unfortunately for me, are the shoes with the toes.
i live in fear of black teenagers every day of my life — “yo yo yo this nigga gets no cheeks, no hoes, and he got his toes separated crazy” are the last words i hear as i crumble to my knees on the L train”
asexuals and bi people got a lot of mileage from feeling “invisible.” like lemme preface, it’s i-dentity, not “y’allniggas-dentity” so fuck anyone who’s trying to tell you who you are. be as visible as you are and if anyone tries to minimize you, fuck em. like who the fuck you think you are, telling anyone they don’t exist? fuck you.
on the other hand, being told i don’t exist…sick, fucking love it, leave me alone! invisible? you don’t see me? like i’m poof gone? fantastic.
y’all don’t get it, i've spent my entire life trying not to be perceived. and you're telling me that you're continuing not to perceive me? right now?
excellent, ally to the community, no notes, go romanticize your own suffering, bozo.
one qualm for being in ace community: no slurs. like we really don’t got nothing? we can’t reclaim shit! sorry, i’m privileged because i can say nigga with reckless abandon — like it’s franks red hot, “i put that shit on everything.”
i’m not tryna be like “yo what’s really good, my virgin?” — shit ain’t even accurate, it’s confusing, and worse still it’s got no fucking slap! no heat! but i will tell someone who’s being “celibate for the year” that they’re doing “aceface” because i’ll have none of it. i’m causing problems on purpose!!!
love telling a homie who’s bad at pulling shorties or dudes “not me having more bitches than you!!!” ronald reagan himself ain’t make a feeling more potent than that.
shooting my shot? no sir, not me. why would i ruin two nights? i choose not to play.
pass me the rock i’m gonna say “wow this is a neat rock” and throw it back. i’m built like an assistant coach — like i’m part of the team but i’m more strategy.
i respect the game, i study the game, but i’d be in the press conference like “well, i put in 110% and well that’s why i tore both acls and yes, i shouldn’t have been playing in the first place.”
some people tell me “oh you just want to be oppressed like us.” my good bitch, what?
don’t y’all see me in this nigga body? just niggin before you right now?
i got enough oppression. i’m black, muslim, african, and i’m a 7th grade teacher, and a knicks fan; i’ve got enough oppression, adding more is just greedy.
that’s like going to the oppression restaurant, and i already got a big ol plate of phobias and isms and the waiter pull up with the queer oppression parmesan like “say when” umm I said when in 2001 about being muslim, 2012 about being black and no one stopped.
what’s wild about talking about being ace is how people respond to it.
“no, you’re not.” — i’m not a looney tune, i ain’t getting into a “duck season, wabbit season with you in this raising canes — fuck I look like going “nuh uhh, yes huhh” with you about me?
“don’t wanna fuck me, gotta be gay” — can’t argue with that logic, yup, you cracked it. good job, detective. I understand why the straight bustanut unit hired you, you always get your man. except me… sooo
“it must be trauma” — …isn’t everything? like the reason you got daddy issues? trauma. reason he got mommy issues? trauma. us scrapping in this taco bell parking lot because you don’t mind your fucking business? trauma. it’s all trauma. but in this case no.
“i can fix you” — …do you have $10 million, a guy who does lobotomies, or an unlimited supply of five guys burgers? because that’s all that works these days — keep the pum pum to yourself, ma.
the biggest thing i’ve learned: i need a better diet, why am i always in a fast food spot?
the second biggest thing i’ve learned: people’s performance of sexuality is directly tied to how desirable they think they are. we all have demands of our partners, most of them perfectly fine, some of them unfair.
keeping it straight for a second, men gotta have the thickest, girthiest meat out — don’t care if you’re like “not for meee, i’m inclusive” because why the first insult we got for men is “he got a tiny dick.” be consistent, be fair now! *gaga voice* “he got a small cack baby, he was born this way!” annoying, yes, but it could be worse.
women gotta have literal create-a-character dimensions to be considered attractive to the dustiest guys and a lot of women crash out over that — body dysmorphia, eating disorders, shit is horrible. women, no matter how liberated, are still steeped in a culture that sexualizes them and there’s deep deep programming there. she gotta be an olympic level gymnast with an opera singers breath control and a marathon runner’s stamina and he just gotta be kevin.
queer people think you’re repressed or false rainbow flagging if you don’t wanna fuck with ‘em and let me be the first to say, i just think that’s so inclusive. thanks so much!! some might give me some space and grace, sure, but they be forgetting so fast.
straight, queer, a secret third thing, any way you slice it, in my experience, if i’m not interested in sex, people fucking melt the fuck down. and i’ve learned that if sex isn’t something i’m interested in, all of those insecurities get put on me. and there’s no way to respond to it without sounding like a fuckboy in a rom-com.
“is it because—” no no no, it’s not you, it’s me— ahhhhh damn it. fuck!
sex is a game of fantasy and i’m too locked in to reality, i’m sorry. the fakest people are the ones who fuck the most, right? am i bugging?
my homies who are looking for mr. right or wifey, studying the craft of relationships, reading books — they’re looking for something real. everyone i know who be slanging dick everywhere or bussin it wide, always in my ear like “yeah it was fun but, shit, man, everyone is so fake.” yeah, because people are acting! and it’s normal!
there’s a performance to sexuality and sex that i don’t really ascribe to, you know? like a lot of people act like they went to sexual julliard but it was really just pornhub? “
oh you invented that move? right right”
“oh yeah, oh yeah — you bit that from mia khalifa and the koolaid man stop lyin.
there’s so much pressure to act professionally and effortlessly sexy in bed. ladies, right? men, right? men look their most insane in bed, ain’t shit sexy about that face, come off it.
sorry, my good bitch you are not meryl streep, you are not asa akira — you are kimberly in accounts payable and that’s okay!
sir, you’re not daniel kaluuya, brickzilla, johnny sins — you are timothy. you work at foot locker which explains the fetish.
“whose pussy is this, huh?” i dunno, yours? i don’t believe in possessiveness — sorry, I can’t get past it, some of y’all are overacting.
i guess in such a repressed society, acting out a fantasy in bed when “no one is looking” makes sense. god’s looking but maybe he likes to watch. but your scene partner needs to either be just as good as you or, you know, wanna run the scene.
me? i just don’t really like performing! i’m more pete davidson. big dick, spend time with wonderful women that are equally as baffling to me, and i can’t act.
i’m am a terrible person to buy a gift for. i don’t like material stuff really so they shit outta luck. i love experiences and also, to everyone, both in and out of the shade room comments…sex is not a gift! don’t accept it, don’t give it!
no one knows how to talk to ace people when it comes to queer friendships. like i’ve had every conversation, check it.
like when it comes to the gays, it’s all “we lit, dicks for the table, can we get a flight of twinks to the VIP? i know we’re four tops, but can we get seated in a booth?”
for my lesbian friends it’s either long conversations about austenian longing, women’s sports, or megan thee stallion videos with the thirst emoji.
for my bisexuals, it’s either A24 movie lighting analyses or the west wing-level defenses of their straight presenting relationship. often seated in ways that would make a chiropractor slide into your dms.
for asexuals, it’s “ayo there’s some tiddies over there, avert your gaze sweet angel” or full-throated defenses of us like “do you not know he doesn’t partake in the pleasures of the flesh? begone, bedwench!”
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
like that’s not allyship, nigga — i can appreciate beauty, i can see tiddies and be like *thumbs up* “nice.” on the citizen app like “yo there’s some ass in a sundress around the corner, stay safe, king.”
i’m still a person who can appreciate fine-ass people! don’t play me like “ooh ooh can we get some WATER for the table? wait no nothing because SOMEONE don’t get THIRSTY like the rest of us” or “what’s asexual lighting? all consuming and lonely darkness?” dear god.
there’s no celebration for ace shit like gay and lesbian shit — like pride, okay, but no one gets being ace, not even a lot of queer people. “it feels like a choice, it’s a whole different spectrum, and it’s hard to understand-” hmmm, sounds light straight logic to me…
i had a homie come out and we took my guy to a gay bar and we paid for everything — my man was fucking LIVING. at the bar like “dicks for the table, yes and what twinks are on tap?"
years later, i tell some homies about how i’m feeling, come out as ace, and it’s all “…so no bitches?” nigga, really? not gonna take my ass to dave and buster’s? “nah but we got you this…physics textbook, how’s that sound?” BAD, it sounds, BAD. “okay well there’s this conversion therapy camp called the strip club, you tryna roll?” …i’ll get my bag.
hallmark ain’t got cards for ace folks like “to all the unbusted nuts, unslapped butts…” or “roses are red, violets are blue, you got no bitches, and that sucks my dude”
“not being horny all the time, not getting into situationships, not getting ghosted by icelandic djs —you must have so much free time!”
nigga no? like regardless of if i want to fuck or not, i’m getting fucked by the…everything, all the time, always, all at once. raw. uncut. including iceland.
sometimes, it feels like our whole country is either sexually repressed or sexual deviants with no middle ground —“sexually adventurous? oh you mean your fuck voyage? your trip through her emotions???”
no one knows what they’re doing, no one went to trade school for dickriding (although a lot of niggas act like it).
the spectrum of sex and kink is so wide (if porn is to be believed) and if there’s not a gate to keep, too many people are quick to shame your kink. it’s impossible to find your lane.
so many of us didn’t have a sexual education. i know i didn’t, and where was i supposed to go? home? to my Muslim, African parents? nah. i’d rather bring home failing marks or a white girlfriend. my parents had an open threat: if you misbehave, we sending you back to africa. high stakes, i had to scrap together what knowledge i could.
my first heists? stealing AOL free trial CDs from all the neighbors’ mailboxes (statute of limitations has expired, ahhh you tight) to try and learn. that was the easy part. the hard part? that was back in the days of dial-up and slow download speeds, shit was not easily researched — the fuck i look like spending three hours to catch a glimpse of a rogue areola for research purposes. and to not have the right plugins?? i wasn’t set up for success.
gotta download VLC player (real niggas know), have two extra tabs up, constantly looking over my shoulder — all this under threat of deportation (or reportation, i dunno). too high a risk for little me; i’d read about high blood pressure (because, duh nerd” and i was like “nah not me”)
so i waited til 8th grade, finally had sex ed. DARE and sex ed said : just say no —i said “you got it pal.”
i get asked often by people when i talk about asexuality “what about sexual jokes? what you can’t tell sexual jokes? what do you do when you see a sexual joke?”
and that’s crazy because i see sexual jokes all the time. amirite, ladies? (this is a triple entendre, take your time.)
i’m in this weird place yet again where i’m not queer enough because people have demands for queerness that i may not visibly add up to.
yes, it’s gatekeeping, yes it’s annoying but i get it. too many black people invited white people to the cookout and it went from looking like a kendrick concert in 2012 to a kendrick concert…today. you know what i mean?
for the queers, it’s never been easier to false claim being gang — some people really died for this shit, i understand. real gang shit, you gotta know the history, the principles, get jumped in, i get it. you want shit to go from being a tyler, the creator concert in 2012 to a tyler, the creator concert today
but i gotta say, some of these queer people moving a little federally. like these tests are out of hand. you be out with queers, getting the jokes, feeling the pain, catching a vibe to trisha paytas and all of a sudden it’s interrogation from guantanamo jay
not everyone is out but some “take your time, when you’re ready” queer niggas put a grenade in the closet and try to lure you out with rainbow flags and poppers. like “you think you’re gay, prove it, suck that dick right over there” “name three chappell roan songs” “you queer? then show me the GAYFAX”
coming out later in life is weird. like i didn’t experiment crazy in my teens and 20s — thanks to my immigrant parents, only time i got to be in the lab was in organic chemistry. while a lot of my peers were fucking, i was fucking…with facts and figures. and they were fucking me back.
a lot of queers found each other on tumblr but i was stuck on fucking facebook, an online straight pride parade — stupid stupid.
speaking of online straight pride parades, i’m on reddit. but a lot of ace people have found each other and it’s lovely but…it’s a lot of questioning and younger people and…pass. no, really, i’ve figured me out and they should figure themselves out too, i’m very supportive of us there. but i’m just a little too old for it.
the ace bits are not for me. a running joke with aces is that we should invade denmark because there are enough of us to overpower the country and nigga, i’m exhausted. y’all want me to do a conquest, no, a colonization because we all ain’t impressed by sex? pass.
ace people allegedly love garlic bread and who doesn’t? can a nigga snack? but, caveat: hot breath cannot be added to the list of stereotypes for people who don’t have sex. we’re not ready for compound stereotypes like that.
ace people love dragons. i love dragons too but y’all be draggin it a little bit.
like where are the aces who be rolling with sluts and former drug dealers who found christ? where the asexual shooters? where are the muslim aces who be in the hookah bars? where are the aces who love crafting…and crime? i need chaotic community, i’m sorry.
online aceness just ain’t for me. i’m in my 30s, i got real nigga problems. like how am i gonna get married and become head of household so this tax liability goes way down when it’s public knowledge that i’m not attracted to people sexually? i’m fighting for my life and you want me to add hot breath and dragons to my problems. fuck outta here.
i might not be into fucking but these bills are into fucking me sooo
i’m not cumming like y’all so there will be no coming out. that’s a dad joke for you from a dude who apparently will never be a father.
i feel so bad for anybody who's allosexual dating me because if we argue, i’m tryna get to the bottom of it; i’m trying to save a relationship. i’m not angry, i’m patient — i taught in new york city, we built different.
but a lot of real fuckers, the real sex havers think “make-up sex should do the trick!” not with me! that cums later, right now…we gotta hash it out. buss it open later, right now buss open the bell hooks, we getting down to business.
being ace helped me understand what i need in relationships more than anything. it helped me build boundaries, be able to say no when i didn’t like something, listen better, make space for conflict better. only thing it ain’t do is make dating better.
dating ace people isn’t easy and dating while ace isn’t either. you ever see a woman’s face fall when they find out that you’re not gonna become their aesthetic black boyfriend. or that they can’t play their race play fantasy with you in bed? sad shit to see.
ace men don’t “only want one thing” and if they don’t, they need to be fixed. an ace woman is not a broken fuck receptacle nor is she a walking diary for people to put all their trauma into. ace people like you for you and genuinely love your presence if they’re fuckin with you. we the real personality daters out here.
like we don’t fuck anything but they fuck with you. and if they’re indifferent to sex like me or sex-favorable, they might fuck you and actually like the personality of the person they’re fucking! you wanna feel special, heard, and respected, date an ace person. and if sex is mad important to you, some aces make concessions or support a sex worker! or the polyamory industrial complex.