where nothing matters...but the beat
gonna be another long one, like the forthcoming glick. this month, reflecting on almost being stabbed, microdosing LA, and mad plugs for the homies 🤝
but while you read, here’s a treat— a mix I threw down to get the party going.
AFRONIHILIST.FM presents SILLY SEASON - THE G- MIXES
i love that our “essential workers” went from “thank you for your service” to “julio where the fuck are my goddamn nachos” in like a month
a whole lot of people saying ftp while they live in their cop era
my mentee did my chart and told me i’m that bitch, him, himothy chalamet, himmy neutron, you get it
be like water. i said water, not dasani
calling the demi/ace gang mr./mrs. /ms./mx. big no horny for fun
when the societal, mental, and emotional collapse sync up
she-hulk: my straptain, my straptain
i love thinkpieces but whenever i think too much, i don’t find peace so you can see the bind i’m in
what if i wanna get my money up and my funny up, what are you gonna do? stop me?
the industry be like “they have a certain je ne sais quoi” and the whole time we all sais quoi, they’re on drugs
top 10 anime battles: white women vs clean air force ones
violence is absolutely an option. how you think white people ran shit this long?
john greene made a whole book looking for alaska??? it’s right there, like-
captain america was clapping ww2 cheeks?? chasing normandy buns? doing axis powers anal? damn, read the room cap
growth is not a rebrand because humans are not commodities to be sold and bought. once we abandon the capitalist individualist lens that we are made to view each other through and truly see each other, collective growth, momentum, and power can really take hold
what many white people don’t get is that it’s a privilege to only have to consider your intention when interacting with anyone. to constantly be running your intentions, their interpretations, emotional cost benefit analyses, and sacrifices that keep you awake at night is exhausting.
it’s always wild because you hear that you fell off from people who weren’t even high enough to fall in the first place.
"when her enemies came to kill her, she knew more about surviving than they did about killing." - octavia butler, wild seed
almost getting stabbed saved my life
look, i'm soft as hell. being tough is a learned behavior in order to survive however i'm a softie; i care a lot about the people in my life and in the world and the battle between vulnerability and this sort of poise that not only men but also black men are forced to uphold is the bane of my existence. but in late july, a certain puerto rican gentleman who gave me all his details (probably not a good idea if you're trying to get away with poking somebody up) pull the knife out on me and was threatening me inside of a bodega in brooklyn – the very same bodega where i play music for lili and joey's comedy show.
truth be told, for several months i've wondered what my necessity at that show was; people never linger to dance and i end up having to leave early. but, knife to my face for 11 straight unrescued minutes, taught me a lot and reminded me of more.
1) i am a lot smarter and savvier than i give myself credit for.
niggas, mans had me under pressure for 11 minutes and i did not get stabbed???? and we still having a conversation over whether i'm him™️??? in the moments during this harrowing experience and also directly after, i was reminded that i know how to comport myself in the streets while also not being a street nigga. only streets i know is sesame, only bars that ever seen have been candy, and when people say “you wasn't outside…” they goddamn right, i was inside crying over little foot’s mom dying. but i knew how to talk to this person, deescalate, and eventually escape the situation by literally just going outside and i wouldn't be able to do that without all of the life experiences that i have had that are incongruent with the image that people often have of me as quiet, patient, and kind.
2) my experience as a black dude who has rolled with people who be doing hot boy shit is going to be very different than the wingding comedians and regular new york transplants i am around.
people. when i walked outside and saw a table of comedians, the very people who i thought we're going to come in and help me at some point, i remembered that no one is going to come and save you; you have to figure it out for yourself. i tried letting the music play out – nothing. 11 minutes after titi me pregunto stopped spinning, it was apparent that i was on my own so i had to handle my business. not for nothing, joey and jon were a lot of help in that moment, casing the block and helping me move my $5000 worth of equipment in a hurry but if i'm being completely honest, i needed more. i needed goons!!! love comedians but they can only do hahas, heehees, and the occasional honk honk – i need niggas with hands. i've known for much of my life that the only law of the universe that matters is f*** around and find out. and if you've been paying attention, comedy is a very fuckaround career path and people are allergic to finding out. as a dude with anxiety, and a lot of life experience with hot-headed people, i'm always ready to find out; often times i don't even talk around because i don't even think i need to find out. very proud that very few of my friends suggested i go to the police; my new york contingent all knew that i had to do what i had to do and telling nypd look for a puerto rican in bushwick… going to have to be more specific. i’m goofy not stupid, silly not simple.
3) nothing matters and everything matters.
if anyone has made it this far you have survived a pandemic and probably countless other individualized experiences and while i like to believe that we're here for a reason, that reason is defined by us. sometimes i forget that we are all one wrong turn away from our lives ending (something that my therapist heard a lot when i finally processed how almost being stabbed affected me later that same week). i have spent years worrying about the wrong things, the wrong people, etc and this event recalibrated my brain to remind myself that life is short and to spend time with the people i love and move even more intentionally towards the things that i want. jordan reminded me years ago when i was getting tight about death threats and draggings on social media that if i looked down the barrel of a gun, nothing else should be scarier and he was right, and he continues to be. knife, gun, whatever, i’m here. no more silencing myself. everything that i haven't done is what matters, nothing else.
i often speak about how my brain in my body are at odds. my body is trying to choose fight, flight, freeze, or fawn and my brain is often running unnecessary scenarios and not being in the moment. not to be dramatic but after my “near-death experience,” my brain in my body have been communicating much better and not only that but i feel more present in conversations, pitches, allowing myself to feel my feelings, and firing off jokes at an even faster rate. in la, i was hanging out with friends that i feel truly comfortable with like the ones that i have found community with here in new york and the jokes were flying, the trust in myself was at an all-time high, and i chose not to overthink or silence myself like i have in the past and trying to abandon in the present.
i’m still here niggas and you’re gonna hear me, see me, etc. i’m back outside, and i hope to see y’all somewhere out there.
microdosing los angeles
have not hit la in two years and i thought that maybe at this point in my life i will be ready for the move but here's the la report in my humble opinion.
it’s too big of a city
y’all i need public transit. not just because of the palpable offset of the climate crisis but because i personally need a certain modicum of danger in my life. this act is titled microdosing los angeles but i microdose chaos every time i hop on the c train – at this point i have a very strong tolerance.
i did not have a car of my own so i have to whip it everywhere and hoover's when homies couldn't take me places and waiting 15 to 25 minutes for a lyft to take me to take me across town??? get the fuck out of here. bold drivers, great conversations but there's something about being in a driving city that add to the isolation that you can feel creeping in in los angeles. also parking??? get the fuck out of here. consensus: i do not have the emotional fortitude to drive in los angeles. you cut me off in a kia sorento, i'm cutting off my car and we fighting.
so i tried to find a happy medium: hopping on a los angeles lyft bike. y’all tell me why google maps put my goofy ass on the freeway??? not only that, apparently the citibikes have a specific range and if you go out of that rain the citibike will fucking cut itself off!!! the bike that i was on cut itself off in the middle of the freeway!!! y’all live like this????
love the chill energy but it feels stagnant and malevolent if you pay attention too much
i've been in new york for a long time now and there's a hypervigilance (fueled by latent anxiety) that made me focus on what i was seeing and also what i was not seeing, what i was hearing and also what i was not hearing. there’s a good vibe in the air but there also is the faint feeling of needing to have something of worth to add to the space. people look through you to the next best thing. subtle flexes everywhere and for what?
i personally would spin my wheels if i lived in la. love the weather, love the energy, but the city has eaten people and spit them back up in such an invisible way. the class disparity had me trippin od ngl. popped out to a pool party off on the west side and…nigga…nigga. felt like $35 in a million dollar spot. not my vibe. loved seeing the gang slide out tho.
la folks are too indirect (except my boy ify, he keeps it a rack). dani and i almost beat the brakes off a yakubienne shushing us in alamo drafthouse. fam, we were watching dragonball z not goddamn paul thomas anderson??? got reminded very quickly that this is the buns part of los angeles; new york directness seems like a threat to them. and some hero, aka snitch mcgee, tried to be a hero and almost ruined the night for all of us, but you already know we left the theater with the vouchers for money off our next movie so ahhhhh y’all tight, smd.
parties were big wack.
never been to more standing ass non dancing ass high ass see and be seen goofy ass functions in my life. and incredibly robbable people; a lot of people looking like a lick. of course, that’s not my bag at all (i’m incredibly medium but still perceptive) but please come to new york, higher than snoop dogg on the eiffel tower, wearing 4 different designer brands on the streets…food.
the djs were like niggas who swear up and down that they can drive stick but start and stop every 10 meters. y’all lucky you don’t take requests because the only request i had was to stop. retire. cease. desist. hang it up. put the jersey up. close serato and open up the ged test prep book. y’all west coast djs my siblings and i’ve heard fire sets before from y’all so i’m gonna give y’all the benefit of the doubt and say part of it was patrons being higher than a giraffe on a 747, vibing not dancing.
and i’m sober (no drinks or drugs) so maybe i’m too coherent to give in to all that, but man…seeing 400+ people risking monkeypox, polio, shit, potentially measles, mumps, and rubella to not be live and lit broke my spirit.
i let myself marinate a little bit more in the culture of la
museums and food were fun when i really just went with the flow and hit up people’s go to diners, taco spots, glickerys, etc. oh yeah, in n out is trash, you niggas lying to yourselves. shit tastes like the dasani of burgers. very happy i missed out on hitting up any fast food the whole time i was there.
conclusion: la made some points but it’s not be my place yet.
i got my heart and soul in the city. building up my chaos and fake nigga tolerance over here then i’ll slide over there. but the city is home. to each their own, always.
gainful employment? stronger community? a place of my own? i’m in there, say less. but i’ll miss the girls, gays, goons, goblins, global citizens, gargoyles, and glizzy gobblers out in the city.
big ups lucas & nour for being real ones; i know y'all got latent goon in you and know that i would follow you into any battle, drop the pin i’m there 😤😤😤
to my darling sister noor, seeing you in la thriving was a highlight of my trip! i'd be finding egyptians everywhere but you never forget the og. going on ten years of friendship! it's unreal. i love you so much sis ❤️
big ups gus, kyra, lee, (and valeska in spirit) queens gang for life. if i ever fall in love on set and decide not to pull up to work, i know that y'all will reel me back in and y'all are real ones for that 👑
big homie ashley, so proud and honored to be your friend always ❤️
all my love to maria & jackie; spending quality time with you before i popped out to la made my heart warm in ways that i don't have words for. all the photos that you sent, all the photos that we took, the birthday lunch – magical feelings. thank you for letting me be part of your vacations 💕🥰
shout out anthony at badmaash, you had me and matt filled up to the brim with indian food and i'm super appreciated it! i promise you that every time i land in la, i'm going to pop out to that restaurant and say hi – mad it took this long 🍚
big ups to basketball legend in the making zane!! i had a blast and getting bruch with you and your friend after your big w! keep it rocking along in school kiddo 🏀
big ups to my they/them in christ shakira – happy fucking birthday i know we don't kick it too much but, no gas, you will be in my will and we will do a miyazaki marathon or something ❤️❤️❤️
big ups to my sister karen who has been not only one of my best friends but one of my rocks for the last 6 years of my life. you keep it a buck with me in a way that i will always appreciate, maybe not always in the moment, but down the line. it is my sworn duty to make sure that we get to continue to make the shit that we want to make in the future! happy big 30, love you sis ❤️❤️❤️
big ups to jordan and amelia for having an ill barbecue before i flew out to LA! i always feel blessed and honored to be part of your friend group and family and i hope you know that i cherish y’all everyday. but for real, get your dogs checked out – those farts are against the geneva convention 🌭
big ups kendrick lamar. just holy fuck what a concert. thank you for showing a path forward in a raw and vulnerable way and i appreciate your honesty in the face of people who lie to themselves every day (all of us). you’re an incredible artist and i hope to one day collab on something in some way because…son. art. 🎶
shout out to my man ify, thanks for putting me up and also taking me out to dope things. your daughter is mad cool and i super appreciate you as a homie, a brand, again, and a label 🤝
big ups emily for putting me up for a few days too! i'll always have mad love for you and you'll always be one of the first people i'll hit up when i hit LA ✨
big ups mia, dan, alec for also giving me a spot to stay for a night when i was in transition! thanks for taking me to your favorite taco spot, talking about scamming, being generally hilarious, and most importantly thank you to dan and alec for keeping my darling angel best friend mia safe and entertained out there in the sun and the vibes 🌊
yerrrrr what’s really good jess, porschia, and sophia! i had a blast getting to know you and learning about how you ended up in this goofy industry! you all were mad cool and definitely we got to get another indian food and jams night on the books next time i'm in la! when you’re in nyc, mi casa es su casa, ya tu sabes 🙏🏾
big ups jerah, ryan, and britt (and surprise guest stars mike and rachael) 4 party hoppin with me and inviting me to their functions while i was out in LA. if there's one thing that i love, it's finding fellow haters and laughing our asses off. dj’s were ass but the company wasn’t. mad love to you as always 🎶
big ups dani for taking me to different functions and also almost scrapping with that karen at alamo. that will be the definitive moment of our relationship thus far. that and the extendo glicks 🍿
shout out to my mentor figure randall for having me up in soho house having a blast and also helping guide me through this goofy ass industry. you a real one for that and i appreciate your sage wisdom and willingness to help ✍🏾
mad love to my mentee camryn – you are the future!!! i love you and keep going 🔥
james and kat had a baby who is an angel and has awesome ass parents - so good to get you your first pair of kicks 👟
shout out the sundance community – i was so happy to be able to attend the mixer and see the different generations of the episodic lab and also to congratulate the new class. y'all owe me a mountain trip because all my labs were in the pandemic but the mixer will do ☀️
big ups to team mamoudou – very glad to get some face time finally! you are now getting affiliates of mine so let's get something shakin otherwise we all getting rico’d ❤️
and finally thanks to all the execs and homies i met out in LA that reminded me that i got good friends and i've been able to meet dope people who i don’t feel nuts around. everything is hush hush, i'm excited to keep developing projects and our relationships. 🌱
clementine morrigan’s substack
honestly i don't know what anything means anymore because the internet has made it very easy to obfuscate any reality and literally it seems like reality versus reality versus two people coming together to find the truth. reinjecting complexity and reflection into humanity in a world where so many of our social interactions have been commodified and oversimplified while interrogating normalized dehumanizing of people – the same people who claim to be anti-establishment and in favor of destroying systems that destroy us – will always be interesting to me as we continue to navigate how the digital universe has affected the analog one. highly suggest reading clementine’s work both here and in her zines!
dr. ayesha khan’s cosmic anarchy substack
seeking more radical voices giving frameworks and ccritiques for multiple intersecting oppressions, i keep finding more women of color to read and it is a blast! a lot of the content that i see online is very male dominant and y'all already know – too many dudes, scaring the hoes behavior. what i like about dr. khan’s newsletter is that it gets very comprehensive breakdown of everything and it is incredibly accessible. and if you want the next level accessibility, look no further than her instagram: @wokescientist
be not afraid of love by mimi zhu
copped it last week and read it cover to cover! i definitely want to sit back down with it mostly because it really does encapsulate a lot of the feelings of our generation when it comes to love, intimacy, connection, and generally what it means to be part of any type of relationship in this day and age. mimi's vulnerability is inspiring and provided a solid framework for the type of work that i wish more authors would dip into. i feel as if a lot of vulnerability is curated vulnerability but this felt very raw, real, relatable, and tangible.
journal of radical permission - adrienne marie brown and sonya renee taylor
i decided to try something new on my healing journey and it brought me back to adrienne marie brown and emergent strategy. tv and film have always been so listen to me because they can both deconstruct the world that we live in but also construct a new one that we either want to live in or want to stay away from. so the abolitionist angle of my life also aligns with my creative visions but sometimes i don't allow myself to fully be in my body or be vulnerable, hence, i had to cop this multiweek workbook to start in september. look for updates as time goes on 🌱
a decolonial feminism - françoise verges
i move in life with a great curiosity and the global narrative of white feminism has been a focus for me because in my humble experience, the most dangerous parts of radical movement work is hubristic people with wide blindspots barrelling forward, ego first, everything else after. this applies to plenty of men (historically egomaniacs) but the covert manipulation and fantasy world that white women are allowed to live in, using white fragility as a sword and shield has devastating effect on all bipoc all around the world of any gender expression. this book was just coloring in the lines of global history surrounding white feminism like angela davis, koa beck, rafia zakaria, louise michele newman, etc. great read if you wanna look at the case study of france especially with their history of colonization, current racist and islamaphobic policies, etc
ms. marvel bts doc (disney+)
i cried a few times watching ms. marvel. yes, i know i’m not a brown girl from jersey but i am a kid who grew up looking for the representation that would validate my lifelong cultural dissonance. ms. marvel validates the muslim part of my identity but also the difficulty defining yourself when you belong multiple identities and social groups. this doc showing the love and intention that this show had from the beginning. i met sana amanat a few years back randomly and i’m simply so impressed with the 10 year journey from the character’s inception to this show’s execution of kamala khan in live action. the ability to depict such an important event in global history (specifically in the long line of british fuckery in asia) like partition with attention paid to the actual story engine of the story and the significance of partition in south asian culture. i one day strive to tell similar stories with the same scale one day but for now, inner child and outer adult are sated.
the anger speech is incredible and encapsulates the femme experience of many of the women i know and love.
“well, here’s the thing, bruce: i’m great at controlling my anger. i do it all the time. when i’m catcalled in the street, when incompetent men explain my own area of expertise to me. i do it pretty much every day, because if i don’t, i’ll get called ’emotional’ or ‘difficult,’ or might just literally get murdered. so i’m an expert at controlling my anger because i do it infinitely more than you!”
it also encapsulates the black male experience; not “but,” and. in the fallout of roe, i was invited to go be publicly be angry with a whole bunch of white women and it was hard for me to publicly decline. i’m all about breaking shit in the name of justice but the reality of the situation is, white women wield anger in a way i never can, full stop. this isn’t to say that there are still difficulties in wielding anger by any femme person, but i hope i don’t have to defend my thesis in a culture rife with police violence, white vigilantism, and racialized double standards. in a world where black men, women, trans folks, etc are considered aggressive for existing, have race and racism explained to them online, off, irl (professionally and interpersonally), our anger is policed to the point where it physically, emotionally, and psychologically affects us too.
i think the line of dialogue is honest in the context of the show and also has many more applications in the context of the world (to lift from bruce’s dialectical behavior therapy). also, the hulk has always been a stand-in for the uncontrollable rage within men; a rage many men are encouraged and taught from from a young age to cultivate over all other emotions. in a world where any and everything is taken out of context and girlbossed to death, this line rang true on a number of levels i felt driven to highlight (levels that plenty of yakubian femmes “get” but actually don’t) and i simply can’t wait to watch the rest of the show.
damn you made it to the end! well then here’s a trailer for an upcoming drop, enjoy!
I know that LA feeling. Went out there for 5 days for vacation and to see friends, and as a walker/public transiter/biker, it was hell. You just can’t exist.
Also, the way Los Angelenos talk about the unhoused is infuriating